All of the craziness with none of the wait!

August 25, 2011

Shake, Shake, Shake...

We had an earthquake Tuesday. A Mutherfekking earthquake. THIS was the SOLE reason I chose NOT to live in California after breaking up with Stoner Jay. I am Terrified of these things. Seriously, like hysterically crying, throwing up, hiding under the table terrified. There was a huge earthquake in LA when I was little and I remember running and diving head first under my Abuela's kitchen table and then not wanting to come out. Ever. It took her about an hour to get me to come out.

Luckily I had put the short people down for a much needed nap before this current one hit. The Boy was passed out in the middle of our bed surrounded by open air (my laziness paid off for a change, since I have never bothered to hang any pictures up in our room!) and when I checked on The Girl in the video monitor, she was sitting up in her crib, looking around. Then about 5 seconds later, she grabbed her dog and passed the hell out. I picked up the phone and called The Husband on his cell phone. I could tell he thought I was over-reacting... I had immediately started freaking out, crying and skaking and asking him where he was and yelling "That's not supposed to happen here!!!" He was concerned about me (probably losing my mind) and didn't say much beyond, "You're ok, I'll be home soon" but at the same time, I could tell he was very excited that he had just been in an earthquake. The first thing he did when he came home... care to guess? Hug me? Give me a kiss? Reassure me that he was there and could protect me by turning into Superman? Nope. He turned on the TV and watched all the news reports and kept saying "Wow! My 1st earthquake!" I almost kicked him in the nuts.

A few days and some aftershocks later, I am still here. But I'm not so sure I like this state anymore. And if the earthquake wasn't enough, now there's a crazy bitch named IRENE making all kinds of noise and threatening to wreck shit. I mean, really... there's only so much a lazy wife can take.

So try to stay safe. Don't forget to buy water and toilet paper. Adios, people.

August 23, 2011

Welcome to the Family... please don't die.

Damn... I'm so lazy, I don't even update my blog about being lazy. HA! Actually it was another crazy week here at Chateau Broke. Because he finally did it. After months and months and months and months (really, I could keep going)... The Husband.Bought.A.Car!!!

So he will be driving around (only when he goes to work since he's on restriction per the state) in this sleek little sexy thing and will save all kinds of gas because it gets like 5x better gas mileage than my newly inherited Big Blue Beast. Just FYI, Big Blue Beast is a 2002 SUV with a V8 engine... and he's blue. The minute we saw him, I called him Hank [5 points if you're as geeky as me and can tell me what that reference is from] and he gets 13 mpg. So glad I have a job to pay for my gas bill... oh, wait... feck. Sorry kids, no fruit this week, Hank needs a few gallons!

So I was trying to come up with a really good name for this new beauty and realized I have always named my cars. Because I'm a dork like that. Usually by their color, sometimes for other reasons. Here's the list, just for fun:

"Lemons" - My very first car! I had Lemons for 2 glorious weeks. I bought it with cash from a shady guy with burn scars all over him in a shady part a nasty little town. But it was kind of cute. '89 Accord hatchback. The AC worked. 2 weeks into it, I was 1 mile from my house, ONE mile... and it died. There was a huge creaky/cracky/clacky noise and then POOF, it ran out of steam... and then ACTUALLY steamed. Turns out they sold me a car with almost NO.OIL. When a car runs out of oil and you keep driving it, you can crack the engine. And apparently a new engine costs a lot of money and takes awhile to do. Who knew? Unfortunately I bought the car "as-is" and there wasn't anything I could do.

"Loaner" - My grandma had a little blue Subaru something from 1980-something that was 5-speed. My ex-fiancee (Stoner Jay) was the only one that could drive it and that only lasted for about 3 weeks, when the shifter thingy fell down through the car and onto the street. I'm told they aren't supposed to do that. Loaner was donated to charity. Or the dump, I'm not really sure.

"Blue" - A 1990 Camry with 130,000 miles that was bought on auction by Stoner Jay without looking under the hood. She ran for almost 2 years and we never changed the oil, tires, washer fluid, etc. and it never gave us a problem. Stoner Jay drove around a curve too quickly in a rainstorm and flipped it upside down. On Valentine's Day. After proposing to me earlier that night. He was fine. Blue was not.

"Morrie" - He belonged to my grandparents and was a 1993 Dodge Colt. I loved Morrie. He taught me how to drive, how to parallel park, he got me across the country, he survived 2 blizzards and every time I put the key in the ignition, he started right up. I took good care of him and if it hadn't been for that crazy lady from the "country" not paying attention to the traffic lights in the "big city" (her words) Morrie wouldn't have died a horrible, head-on death. :(

"Redd" - Here's her tribute. She died unexpectedly almost a year ago and it has made me realize that the men in my life should NEVER.BE.ALLOWED.TO.DRIVE.MY.CARS!

So, Hank, it's up to you to keep me and the short people safe now. And I promise to take good care of you and not let The Husband drive you too much, especially now that he's got his as-yet-unnamed beauty. He didn't really love you as much as I do anyway. You were never good enough for him. I mean you don't have bluetooth or a radio that shows text, you guzzle gas like it's your last meal and you make a funny noise by one of the back tires. But I want you to know that I appreciate you... in spite of all of those things. And I love how big and spacious and sturdy you are. I never feel like I'm going to fly off the road when it gets hella windy because you're heavy. And this is starting to sound dirty and a little creepy, but suffice it say, I'm glad to have you back Hank.

Make it a good week. Adios, people.

August 13, 2011

It's What I Love About Him...

Can't think of a better reason to link up from Multitasking Mumma than her "It's What I Love About Him" post. Well, ok, but the wine comes in 2nd, honest. :)

I'm going to post mine a little differently, though.

To The Husband: here's a list of things that you probably didn't know...

1. You invaded my personal space within 3 seconds of meeting you and almost 9 years later, I thank God every day that you did.

2. I complain about it, but really, I like hearing about your high school days and the stuff you used to do before you met me.

3. When I see it's you on the Caller ID, before I answer, I tell the phone "Please say 'Hi Beautiful'"... and you usually do, which always makes me smile, no matter what is going on.

4. Even without your glasses on, I think you are incredibly handsome.

5. I really do prefer the goatee.

6. I'm glad you made me a Redskins fan, even if they need some major help.

7. I wouldn't change a single thing about the way either of the short people came into the world.

8. The reason his middle name is not spelled the French way on The Boy's birth certificate is because I was more concerned with getting an accent mark over the I in his first name and completely spaced out... sorry...

9. I know I used to say I didn't want a daughter, for fear she would be like me, but that was all a lie and I cried happy tears after she was born when no one was around.

10. I pray every night that you, The Boy and The Girl all wake up the next morning. I've always been afraid that you will be taken from me in my sleep.

11. I admire the hell out of you because you excel at everything you do.

12. I like that, after you teach me something (no matter how trivial), you are genuinely proud of me. It's a great feeling that I didn't get a lot of growing up.

13. I am jealous of the fact that you can have a crappy day but still manage to have a good attitude when you are done with work.

14. I see you as a good Man, a wonderful Husband and an amazing Daddy.

15. I make a point of telling the kids more than a few times a week how much you love them and that you work very hard so they can be happy.

16. If boths kids grow up to be exactly like you, I would consider it a job well done.

17. Even though I don't say it to your face often enough, I appreciate everything you sacrifice and do for this family and if it weren't for you, we simply wouldn't be.

18. Some days I really don't feel worthy of being your wife.

19. I would have said "Yes" in the restaurant. I was actually hoping you would ignore me and do it anyway.

20. I will love you... F O R E V E R.

Way Back When:

2 Kids, 9 years and a lot of fried chicken later:

Speacial Thanks to Anita, because I totally copied this from her blog. CHEERS!


August 11, 2011

Car Salesmen Suck. Except Jim.

It's "Let's borrow money from a billion places and spend a hundred hours trying to buy a 2nd car" week here in Crazyville. Does it REALLY have to be this difficult to buy a new car? I blame the men. No, really. There are very few women selling cars out there, but if they DID, this is how I imagine it would go:

Husband & Wife walk into a dealership. They are approached by a good looking (read: not skanky/slutty/whorish/24), clean, well-mannered woman who offers them a beverage and asks if she can help them.
Wife: He wrecked one of our cars [points to husband] and we need to replace it. It needs to have 4 doors, decent gas milage, be any color except red or white and a blue tooth thingy for his phone so the cops don't arrest him when he drives to DC.
Saleswoman: No problem! What's the budget look like?
Wife: I stay home with the short people, so he's the one with the job and his credit is only OK because he didn't pay off his student loans when he was single. So we'd like to pay about $17,000 out the door. Oh and we have some cash for a down payment on that price.
Saleswoman: Typical. But that's still not a problem. Let's take a look at our inventory. [Pulls up long list of cars, sorts by color, then by price, prints list.] Here's what we have on the lot right now that are ready to go. The prices on the left INCLUDE all the taxes, tags, and processing fees. We currently have 13 cars under $17,000 that fit your criteria. I also happen to have a coupon for $750 off the sales price, and we double all coupons here. There are no restrictions on it, either. Now, which color would you like to see? *smile*

Here's what actually happened:

The Husband and I go to a dealership. We stand around for 5 minutes before someone approaches us. The Husband gives the name of a guy he spoke to on the phone. Loud muffled page over the loud speaker. 5 minutes later a short, spazzy Salesman with a scruffy beard comes up and has no clue who we are or what he spoke to The Husband about. The Husband explains he found a car on their website that fits into his budget, has blue tooth, etc., etc. Salesman sits at a computer and they both look at the car online. I text my Mother back a list of acceptable foods that The Girl can have since she is currently squishing and throwing her dinner on the floor. Salesman gets up and goes to talk to the "mystery rule maker" in the back [totally dark and enclosed] office, comes back and says that said car was sold this afternoon and no one bothered to update the website. The Husband gets a look on his face like his non-existent dog died, then asks if there is another, similar car on the lot.

Salesman, The Husband and I shuffle to a different desk (apparently the internet doesn't work the same way on all the computers in the building) and Salesman brings up the inventory. He finds 1 (ONE) car that could be in the budget if the numbers work out right. Everyone traipses to the back of the lot (damn you cute black high heels!!) and we get into the car, which has been sitting there since June. I know because checked the sticker on the window. Everything is covered in plastic and it is HOT.AS.HELL. The Husband drives it up to the front, we get out and go back inside to sit at the 2nd desk.
Salesman tells us that since the car has not been on the lot for a long time, it's going to be hard to negotiate the price down, and also because that's just not how they work. He takes the printout The Husband had of the car that got sold to the "mystery rule maker" to see what the final price would be. I text my Mom back and apologize for the ginormous pile of clean laundry upstairs and yes, The Girl's pj's really are in her room. Salesman comes back with an outrageous number that included almost $3,000 in fees (one was actually for freight. Yes, FREIGHT. I looked him in the eyes and said "That car's been sitting back there since JUNE. Why do we have to pay freight?" He said nothing.). Also, we have to finance the car through THEM or they charge us an extra $500. BUT, if we finance through them, they'll GIVE US $500 CASH. To which I said "WHUCK?" The Husband has been shaking his head no the whole time and saying "That's $1,500 more than we can do. No way."

Salesman keeps insiting that with this incentive and that incentive it works out great and he's not making any money off of the deal at this price anyway and did we go to college because if we can give a transcript he can knock off $500 (WTF is the obsession with $500?!) and maybe there's a way to drop it a LITTLE, but really our budget is just unreasonable and why are we being so unfair? The Husband said "Ok. Thanks. Bye."

So we went to Carmax next door. Met a nice, laid back guy named Jim. He let us look around, printed out a few cars, gave us some info, let us know they could transfer a car to that dealership from up to 250 miles away for FREE and told us to call him when we were ready to go. The Husband looked less like his dog died and more like the internet was temporarily unavailable. A few days later (today) he went online, found a car on the carmax website and requested a transfer.

That was WAY more complicated than it needed to be. You either want to sell a car or you don't. Don't waste my mother fecking time playing with the price of the car (in increments of $500) just to eek out a few bucks. Want steady money where you don't have to rely on commission? GET ANOTHER JOB!

And so, after all that... there's a chance that in the next 7 days, we could have another car! I have already promised The Boy that we would take a picnic lunch and go to the Dinosaur Park. In the middle of the day, whenever we want to, because The Husband will be able to take his own damn car to work! Yey!

I need a glass of wine. Adios, people.

August 9, 2011

Insane in the Membrane... Part 2

When we last left our little drama infused facebook messaging with the BIO-MIL (for you newbies that's my husband's BIO-logical mother, who is quite possibly certifiably crazy), she ended her crazy nonsensical ranting with a statment that implied that I could call HER more often if I stopped drinking. Then she sent a 2nd message and said "The part about drinking was referring to your comment about my smoking" as if I had the reading comprehension of a 2 month old gorilla. She constantly clarifies the obvious and leaves you to decipher the rest. I initially found it funny... then odd... now it's just stupid.

So, fast forward about 4 hours - yup, HOURS - and I log back onto facebook. She's posted a status about dodging bullets by private message so you don't have to dodge bullets (I'm telling you, she's a real life "Damn You Auto Correct") and I see that I have ANOTHER message from her. This is the entire message, copied and pasted from FB:

and it was me that made the comment on putting sun screen on his little head AS A JOKE I will be happy to talk if one of you are willing to bring something productive to the table. A way that WE can improve this situation and WE can work TOGETHER. Other then that, please dont contact me again...

I never replied to any of her messages. I told her I wouldn't when the whole mess began. But will say a few things about that message here! :)

1. Learn how to use punctuation. Your son over-uses it and you don't use enough.
2. Maybe you should type out all of your thoughts in a word document and read them back to yourself. If you can't figure out what you just wrote, NO ONE ELSE WILL EITHER, WHORE!
3. Then and Than are two totally different words. Learn the difference.
4. I sincerely hope you realize, that by asking me not to contact you again, you have effectively severed all ties and communication to your grandchildren and son. For I am the sole creator, distributor, writer, mailer and reminder for every birthday card, major holiday card, school picture, family portrait and/or any other correspondence that leaves this house. And you just unsubscribed, bitch.

So there you have it. I still see the occasional status update from her, but I de-friended her creepy husband and have blocked most of my page from her.

Be careful what you wish for... you never know when it's going to bite you in the ass.

Adios, people.

August 3, 2011

Spoiled Rotten Princess...

Seriously... if I hear one more grown-ass woman call their daughter "Princess", I'm going to BEAT.THEM.SENSELESS!

Here's the thing, I totally understand why the Disney Princesses are so popular. They are beautiful, blemish-free, thin, proper ladies who have snagged the man of their dreams and are now living worry-free in a ginormous castle/mansion/palace that they will never have to clean. I want that too! Hell, I would settle for being thin and owning my own home, but that's just me. I get wanting your daughter to be "girly" and playful and have tea parties and especially wanting them to dream big and aspire to be anything they want to be. I want all that for my daughter, too. But I sure as hell am not going to sit around and encourage her to be the spoiled, snotty, entitled little girl that you find today. Because that is what has happened to these girls now by using the term "Princess".

Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis was not an actual Princess, but her, along with Princess Grace, Princess Diana and even the newly tiara'd Princess Kate... these were/are classy, intelligent, educated women. They were courted and treated with respect, they bowed and curtsied and knew their place. They were appropriately attired (read: no tata's or bare va-jay-jay's hanging out all over the place), spoke calmly and eloquently, were civilized and just all around decent women. All I see today are rude, obnoxious little girls who think they were placed on this earth so that you could serve them. Prime Example: Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, all 16 5 of the Kardashian girls. These chicks are famous because they are rich, spoiled girls, NOT because they have done amazing and incredible things with their lives.

These days if a girl turns 12 and isn't immediately handed a smartphone, credit card, facebook account, some sort of "Pod" made by Apple (damn you Apple!), and a credit card, then they whine and complain and throw tantrums like a 3 year old and insist that you must hate them and want them to die. I know this to be true because I have seen this with my own eyes... in public and in private.

Two of my nieces are 13 years old and one of them has had an iPhone since she was 11. Her Mother gave it to her and keeps upgrading it whenever they come out with a new version. They actually had an argument the other day on facebook (Mom lives in NJ, about 4 hours away) because the contract isn't up yet, but my niece "broke" her phone and wanted a new one. Ok, let's flash back for a minute. When I was 11 I had a hello kitty diary with a sparkly pink pen, tons of those puffy stickers, a pink banana-seat bike and posters of NKOTB on my wall (with a big heart drawn around Jordan Knight's face). Remember when you begged and pleaded for money because you just HAD TO HAVE that pair of Jordache jeans or those mulit-color hi-tops or the hyper-color shirts because "all the other kids" were wearing them? Usually you could scrape a few extra bucks together by babysitting or doing some extra chores. But it's not like that anymore. Yes, some of it is technology's fault for advancing so quickly that these kids kind of don't have a choice BUT to grow up and expect these things. Now all of a sudden every one of the kids at your children's school ACTUALLY DO HAVE EVERYTHING. Even the kids you thought were on welfare are walking around with blinged out cell phones!

It's just so much worse amongst the girls, too. And it only exacerbates the issue when they go home and Mommy and Daddy call them "Princess". I have called The Girl "Diva" on occasion because she has been know to get demanding. But I have never said it in a way that would make her think that it's a good thing. Because The Girl is going to know 3 things as soon as she is old enough to understand:

1. If you want to be respected, then be respectful. Respect is earned, not given away like a lollypop at the bank.
2. Be Thankful - for everything from the minute you wake up each day. And the moment you stop, I'm donating everything you own to a kid that has nothing.
3. Everything can change in an instant - for better or worse. So take nothing for granted and thank God you were one of the lucky ones that got to be born in America and not some 3rd world nation.

So please, Ladies, PLEASE for the love of Maude, STOP calling your little girls "Princess". It's not healthy. Unless your daughter actually IS a Princess, then by all means... *curtsies*

Adios, people.

August 1, 2011

Insane in the Membrane... Part 1

The Husband's biological mother (my BIO-MIL) is literally hanging on my very last, teeny, tiny, nerve. I totally told her to put her big girl panties on and grow up.

Here's a little background: The Husband's parents are divorced and each parent is remarried. My parents are also divorced and my Father is remarried (to the woman he knocked up while he was still married to my Mom... but that's a whooooole other story!). So the short people have 7 grandparents, but only 3 live locally and are active in their lives: The Husband's Dad & Step-Mom (aka Grammy & Peepaw) and my Mom (Meemie). The Crazy Cougar BIO-MIL and her husband - who is 12 years younger, ewww - moved to SC in 2006. That's about 9 hours away from us. *Claps excitedly* My Father and his family live in California, where I am originally from. The Husband grew up broke (not "poor") and so did I, but my family has always had some class and appreciates the finer things in life. Like china, cloth napkins and toothpaste. His family is straight up marlboro redneck. And I'm so not exaggerating.

BIO-MIL, The Husband and I have a long history (6 years or so) of "communication problems". Basically, the woman is a head case. I'm 100% certain she has depression, she has lots of anxiety, especially in public and she's probably got a personality disorder. Since the entire FECKING family has joined Facebook, it has only gotten worse. Now there is no need for her to visit or contact anyone that doesn't live near her because she can "talk to and see them" ALL.DAY.LONG. She ACTUALLY stalks me on Facebook. It's a fact. I have posted a status and when I refresh the page 5 SECONDS later, she's already either a.) Clicked "Like", b.) Posted 1 or more nonsensical comments, or c.) All of the above. Dios mio. She's actually gotten into comment "wars" with my Dad, several of my friends, my soon-to-be Sister-in-Law, myself and her own son. Here's a few examples of her comments:

My Status: Grocery shopping without the kids OR the husband. Dreams do come true!
BIO-MIL: how did you manage that?
ME: Drugged husband. Kids duct-taped to the wall. (I actually typed this and then erased it. I really should have just posted it. Did she forget I married her son, who despite her raising him, has become a very intelligent and respectable human being?!)

A few days later I posted a link to Mommyland's Top Ten Reason's Why 3 is Worse Than 2. In the comments section we find:

BIO-MIL: LOL I always thought 3's were worse. I didnt mind the terrible twos at all. Are you guys alright?
ME: Everything's fine, why?
BIO-MIL: Just wondering I had written my son a couple of times asking and he hasnt responded other then my request for your address again. I dont need it now, I found it in another location. Just wanted to be sure everything was alright. love ya

Posted to my wall 4 DAYS after the exchange above: Hi, hope all is well. Wrote my son a couple of times asking how you guys are, but have heard nothing. Love you guys and again I hope everythings going good for you
Comment #1: omg, I meant havent heard anything LOL sorry
ME: We're good... Your son has been extremely busy with work and we were very busy this weekend, but overall things are good. I'm just home with the kids. No news is good news with us.
BIO-MIL: LOL I understand that. Well good. Glad to hear it and glad you got your laptop the way you want it. Have fun with it

She complained about being broke so we've offered her money for gas and free lodging to visit us, to meet the kids and have even given her a special phone number that is free for her to use to call us. She declines the money and lodging using lame excuses and never calls. And when we get upset, she says "why don't YOU call ME?" Um, Hello? We DO. We DID. You don't ANSWER. You don't call BACK. I'm get a little dumber every time I deal with her. I sent her a private FB message and basically broke it down for her and told her that we were no longer going to communicate through Facebook. It wasn't healthy. And that she needed to make more of an effort to call or write to the kids because she doesn't know them. And then I said this: " And don't tell me it is because you don't have the money to do it. Because if you can buy a pack of cigarettes, you can buy a calling card. You probably don't like that I said that, and if it made you mad, then I've made my point, because IT'S THE TRUTH and you know it." Oh yes, I did.

To which she responded: "It is SO important for us to have verbal contact in yours and my son's opinion, why dont you call us. You have free long distance and still dont call. Maybe if you gave up drinking you could afford it."

WHUCK? Give up "drinking"? I'm not a wine-o! I mean, I like wine (a lot) but on average, I have about 1, MAYBE 2 glasses a week. Some months I have them all in one night. Some months I have nothing. I didn't tell her to give up smoking, I just illustrated that if she could buy a pack of smokes, she could afford to call us. And last time I checked, my 1 year old doesn't know who you are, so why should she call you?

And I guess that's where I have the most confusion, uneasiness or maybe it's a microscopic bit of maybeiamwrong-ness. From the day I met The Husband almost 9 (NINE!!) years ago, we have been upfront and open and honest with this psycho. We've made all of the efforts to go visit HER once a year, to offer HER money, etc. The Husband's step-mom, "Grammy" calls me randomly once a week or so just to say Hi and make sure things are ok. This past weekend, she showed up with 5 bags of shrimp, grapes and a chicken. For no reason! I HEART her like my own mother.

So I ask you: Are we wrong in wanting BIO-MIL to step up and get to know her grandkids, to make a little effort and contact US for a change? I honestly want some outside opinion, so feel free to leave a comment below.

Make it a good week - I'm going to try to despite all of this! :) Adios, people.