Silver Lining #1

Thanks to my buddy over at My Belles Choses (who, according to her, is enjoying her life now that it has beaten the crap out of her!) I'm going to post a weekly happy thought. Because I complain. A LOT. But I DO have stuff in my life that is good and worth smiling for and definitely worth getting up for in the morning. So once a week I'll make a point to pay tribute to a friend and smile verbally.

I should have hidden in the laundry room.

This week was a hot one. And the kids and I were mostly trapped in the house. Thank God for air conditioning! But probably my favorite part of the whole week was when the kids and I played "hide and seek" for an hour. Now, remember, The Boy is 4 and The Girl is 16 months. It went something like this:

Me (sitting on the couch): I'm going to cover my eyes and count to ten. You go hide!
The Boy: OK!! Hahahahahahahaha.... (runs around in a circle)
Me: Go hide! I'll cover my eyes and count to ten and then come find you!
The Boy: OK!! Hahahahahahahaha....
Me: 1, 2, ..... 10! Ready or not here I come! (uncover my eyes)
The Boy: Here I am! (pops up from behind the ottoman)
The Girl: Woo-hoo! *claps excitedly*
Me: Ok... let's try this a different way. Mommy is going to hide. YOU sit on the couch, close your eyes and count to ten, then find Mommy.
The Boy: OK! Hide behind the couch!
Me: Um... I'm going to hide somewhere else.
The Boy: OK! 1, 2, 3, 4... (I run to the kitchen and hide beside the fridge)... 9, 10! Ready or not, I'm going to get you! (Walks into the kitchen and I jump out at him.)
Me: BOO!
The Boy: AHHH!!! MOMMY! That was so much FUN, let's do it AGAIN!!!!!!
The Girl: Woo-hoo!

So we did... for an hour. We took turns "hiding" and letting The Girl help seek. I even managed to cram myself into the playhouse at one point and he thought that was the best thing ever. And it totally, truly was.

Enjoy your weekend. Be safe. Adios, people.

Don't Make Me Hit You With My Pocketbook...

Dear Husband,

I think we have a communication breakdown. By that I mean I have communicated several times to you how I feel about certain things and you conveniently ignore for forget them. You work very hard for our family and we appreciate everything you do for us. With out you, there'd be no family... no home... no food... it would suck pretty bad. Monday nights are your poker night, and I have accepted that and hope you have nothing but safe fun while you are out. I'm even ok with every-other Wednesday's poker night after your team meeting. Hell, we are even having a poker night here at our house in 2 days! So overall, what I am saying is, you deserve your time off.

Well, so do I. I know I created this blog and most of my rants around all the crap I don't do around the house. But I DO actually accomplish quite a bit around here. I know our laundry may be a clean pile of clothes resembling Mt. Everest, but it's a CLEAN pile. Randy the Laundry Fairy did not get those clothes washed and dried, of that I can assure you. I also keep you and our short people fed. And let me tell you, that is not easy. You usually consume the food of 1.75 people and the short people eat every two hours. What makes it worse is they eat like refugees at a $3.99 Vegas All-You-Can-Eat Buffet (sending the kids to Vegas for lunch is probably cheaper than my bi-weekly grocery bill, actually). I have also been keeping the sink clean. It hasn't been easy, and I do ignore the dishes on Sundays, but overall, I get it done. I even spend a total of about 2 hours a day picking shoes up and putting them back into the shoe basket in our entry way after The Girl Shoe Diva has scattered them around the house.

So when, instead of spending my ONE measly free night a week doing my own thing, I go to the MARKET, and GROCERY SHOP for our family (it WAS nice to shop without short OR tall people!), I don't want to come home at 10:40pm and step into a dark living room (because you went to bed at 8:55 and turned off all the lights) and TRIP over 4 shoes, a toy drill and 6 magnets. And when I finally manage to turn the kitchen light on with my hands full of the 6 bags I carried in by myself, I don't want to see a pile of dinner dishes thrown into the sink and a pizza smeared high chair tray on the counter. The dishwasher was empty. I looked you in the eyeballs before I left and said this to you - out.loud.

Of course after I put everything away, I cleaned up the dishes and the tray and all the shoes, etc. Because I don't want to undo all the progress I have made. And it makes me feel disrespected. Think of it like this: all those nights you go out and play poker and you do really well and you have a great time and you come home all relaxed and happy and maybe I'm in a good mood too after having a glass or two of wine (wink, wink)....... and you get a CSC call because none of the on-call guys will answer their phones and you are the only person that can fix this server issue. You know how much that sucks? I know you do, because I have seen it happen quite a few times. Well that's what it feels like when you leave the dishes and don't put a tray away and don't make the kids pick up the toys that are in our walkway. Especially when you know I am coming home with bags of groceries. So please, can you just try to clean up after yourself and the kids? I'm not asking you to grab the mop and hit the floors or scrub the toilet (OMG you'd get some mad happy time if you did though!). Just tidy up the few things you and the kids use/play with/destroy while I am gone.

I do have to say, though, more than anything, I am mad that you went bed at 8:55pm. You suck. But I love you anyway.

xoxo,
Your Lazy Wife

Delirious from the Heat? Maybe...

Eagads... 8 days with no complaining? I must have been hella busy. Ha! Yeah right, I wish. Well, actually, no not really. It's actually been too hot to do much of anything. I *have* been keeping the kitchen, dining room and living room clean. I have even been putting clothes AWAY. Like folded, put in a dresser drawer away. I honestly don't know what has gotten into me, except that maybe the other day I was eating my lunch while the short people were napping (and I use that term loosely as The Boy no longer naps...) and I was watching my "stories" and looking around the room thinking I needed to dust again but I didn't feel like it. And I also needed to vacuum. And unload the dishwasher. And fold a 7ft foot tall pile of clean clothes. But instead I finished watching my show and then took a 30 min nap. Epitomy of Laziness, right here, folks! So I started thinking... and you know how much I like to do that! And I came up with a reward system for myself. If I did a little bit of "work" in the morning and afternoon and evening (read: made dinner AND cleaned up 3 nights in a row!!) then I wouldn't feel so bad about that show and nap. I could do it more often and not feel guilty because I would actually DESERVE it.

I put clean, folded laundry away. This was my Thanks. Score!

Friends and family tell me all the time that they don't expect everything around our house to be perfect because I have two small kids and that it is not easy raising kids and staying home with them. And The Husband gives me a LOOK and then rolls his eyes because he & I both know what they don't: that while yes, it is hard raising kids and keeping up your home, for the most part I don't do nearly what I should. But the past 7 days we have been going through and sorting out stuff that we don't NEED (55lbs of toys have now been condesnsed to a manageable 20lbs). Because the fact is, we have a lot of crap in this house that is making it harder to keep under control. So out it goes (hello Craigslist!) and in comes a new attitude from me. But I know myself, so I'm starting slow and will work my way up to being one of those Mommies that has everything together, is on time, has a clean house 99% of the time, whose car doesn't smell like french fries and an old sock and well ok, maybe I am getting ahead of myself, but I have recognized my weaknesses and I am working on them. The Husband has been pleased. And in this house a Happy Husband is a Happy Husband that likes to randomly give me money to buy myself something pretty. Sounds like a win-win! Adios, people. Stay cool.

Fruit + Wine = Awesomeness

I was at Target last week (shocking, I know!). I needed diapers and wine before heading to Mrs. W's house for a little girl time and some drunken waxing. I didn't know what to get because I just wasn't in my usual "Moscato" mood... and then I remembered the T-Box. The ladies over in Mommyland coined the term "T-Box" and while it's a funny term, I never thought I would actually buy a Box of Wine from Target. But I did. I couldn't stop myself. There it was, a small yellow cube, with the words "white sangria" written on the side, for the low price of $11.99. Upon closer inspection it showed that 1 cube was the equivalent of 2 bottles of wine. It also mentioned that it would be even more yummy if you added some fruit like berries.

Also available in juice box size - straw optional.

So I squealed with delight and grabbed a T-Box while a young couple analyzing two bottles of red wine gave me a disgusted look. But you know what, I don't care if the bottle of wine you are buying costs $125. If you are buying it at Target you have no right to judge me! Anyway, I grabbed the Sangria and practically ran to see if the strawberries were on sale... they were!!! Thank you Fruit God. I was so excited to get the strawberries into the wine and drink it, I could barely see straight.

After arriving at Mrs. W's house and hanging out with her and Jameson for a bit, we broke out the berries and the T-Box. It.Was.Awesome. I'm not a red wine fan, so this white wine mix was perfect. And I'm happy to announce that everyone was waxed safely before too much alcohol was consumed.

Right now I'm going to get the short people into bed so I can crack open a Riesling. It's been a long week and Mama needs a glass o' juice. Adios, people. Don't drink and drive.

Top 10 - Things That Shouldn't Be Washed

My List... From *sigh* to WHAT THE HELL is THAT?!

#10 Receipts and notes
Not a fun thing to find, but at least they tend to "clump" and get sucked into the lint trap for easy removal.
#9 Tissues and napkins
Now the only reason I know a tissue has been washed is because when I pull a shirt out of the dryer, something like cocaine tends to puff out of the shirt pocket. And since The Husband sleeps ALL THE TIME, I know it's not blow.
#8 Coins
In case you didn't know, I am 5'4" on a good day with a 44F chest (that's right, 44F. And they were free. As in I grew them myself.)... so finding a PENNY at the bottom of the washing machine usually results in something that looks like a midget dove head first into pickle barrel. Short legs flailing in the air, muffled expletives from inside... you get the idea. Because the coins are always STUCK to bottom of the washer. And on the rare occasion that I get the laundry out of the dryer right after it's done, those suckers are HOT!
#7 Paper Money
Long ago I claimed that any money found while doing the laundry belonged to me. I even have a little coin cup. But finding a clean, crisp bill torn in half or into confetti just makes me mad. You'd think I would learn to check pockets, but seriously, it's enough that I am doing the laundry. Police your own clothes, people!!!
#6 Lighters
I'm constantly finding these stupid colorful little plastic tubes full of liquid fire. Yes, I saw the mythbusters episode that explains that lighters can be put in the washer/dryer and it will be fine. But it's gross.
#5 Rocks and Sand
A quick trip to the beach or the playground turns into 3 days of washing the same pair of underwear because 3 grains of sand will not.wash.away.
#4 My Cell Phone
So it was a complete preggo moment. And I said I just put it in there... but really I washed it.
#3 Markers and Pens
Some come apart. Some don't. It's like roulette, but with sharp pointy things that can stab you and make you bleed.
#2 Crayons
The wrappers separate and you are left with a bald crayon... or some paper and colorful clothes. :/
#1 A pack of cigarettes
That's right. Smokes. The filters come out whole, plastic gets chewed up and there's tobacco on everything. EVERYTHING. Like the evil laundry gnomes jumped in during the soak part and shredded the pack, laughing hysterically the whole time.
Thank God for my Dyson!! Adios, people.

Red, Red Wine...

Because not everyone can pull off a unibrow.

Hope everyone had a great 4th of July! Ours was pretty low key... we kind of like it that way. But we are definitely not digging the DC fireworks anymore. We've decided to try and plan a trip to NYC next year for the Macy's fireworks show. That was a sweet show.
Anyway, tonight I was able to escape the dungeon with minimal screaming from the short people. Ended up having a great night out with Mrs. W and her good buddy "Jameson". We headed over to her new neighbors house (those are some crazy cool SOB's!!) and had a blast drinking wine and trying to play some card game that none of us either knew or could remember how to play. Eventually it was abandoned for more drinking, talking and lots of laughter. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time and I am hoarse because of it. All in all, one of the best nights in a long time. Thank you much ladies. I am looking forward to seeing you next week for some drunken waxing. :)

Reality Check

Dear Miss Priss,
I hope you had a safe flight home. I hope you had a nice visit while you were here. I hope your feet don't hurt from all that walking you did in DC wearing flip flops. But mostly I hope that one day soon you will GROW.THE.FUCK.UP. Seriously? Temper tantrums, moodiness, whining, lack of communication... I sound like I am describing my 4 year old, not a 22 year old woman about to graduate from college!! You are one of the most selfish, rude, and completely oblivious people I have ever encountered. I was absolutely floored. I gave you a gift - you did not thank me even once. And I'm sorry, but "oh, cool" does not mean THANK YOU! You wear 1/4" flat flip flops (designer flip flops, to boot!) to walk around DC all day long and then complain that you are tired and your feet hurt. News flash: flat shoes + lots of walking + big feet = tired, cramped feet. You claim to be somewhat of a "fashionista"... shouldn't you know that by now? And maybe, just maybe, when everyone around you is pitching in to clean up a meal that you took 2nds and probably 3rds from, you could put the iPhone down for like 5 minutes and throw some napkins away?

Now, what I am most upset about is that you have no idea - NONE! - about how to function on your own in the real world. You have an unrealistic view of life... and part of that is yo' mama's fault. At 22 years old, I had moved MYSELF across the entire country four times. FOUR. I was working my 3rd professional full time job and living on my own. Paying my own bills. Ruining my own credit. My Mommy was not paying all my bills and depositing money into my account so I could go to concerts and shop, take some classes and pretend to work. Yes, that's right, pretend to work. Showing people empty apartments is NOT real work. Making 25 copies of a document at 8am that you stayed up until 3am editing and then distributing them at a 9am department meeting and then taking the minutes of the meeting is REAL WORK. Spending the night in a dark, empty pet store counting all the GOLDFISH is REAL WORK. Teaching adult women, such as yourself, how to wax someone's legs is REAL WORK. Walking around playing Vanna White is not.

One day you will wake up and it will be YOUR responsibility to pay for your own car, gas, insurance, rent, electricity, water, cell phone bill... see where I'm going with this? And I don't mean just paying the bill. I mean EARNING the MONEY that you need to pay those bills. Regular shopping sprees at name brand stores with your Mom is not normal. What you spent on shopping and eating during your visit would pay for my kids diapers for 3-4 months. You need to wake up and realize that you have been spoiled your whole life and soon... oh, so very soon, it's going to stop. And then you'll be freaking out. Please do yourself a favor and don't come crying to me.

Oh, and if you aren't going to meet someone when you say you will, do the decent thing and let them know beforethey waste their entire day waiting on your fat ass.

Sincerely,
Your Cousin

PS You are not a size 10. Quit wearing short that a 12 year old couldn't even fit into. Thigh cheese is not cute.

Mama Said Knock You Out!

2 family members have come to visit for the red, white and blue holiday. My Auntie Em and Cousin Miss Priss. I'm really bad about remembering to get to the post office (see previous posts about lack of transportation!!). So I had a few gifts for Miss Priss and gave them to her last night. It's been over 24 hours and I have not heard a "Thank You" yet. That's the last time she'll be getting gifts, I can tell you that.

Tonight a bunch of us went to eat. The evening went great - especially the part where I consumed a hybrid strawberry daquiri-pina colada thing that was the size of my face. That was fecking awesome. But other than that, things were pretty low key. Until the drama that is Miss Priss happened. That girl cannot just have a normal day. She went into the city on the metro with her mom (Auntie Em) & a family friend and proceeded to be bi-polar most of the day. She then ditched them to meet up with some friends. She finally made her way back to the metro around 10ish tonight and proceeded to transfer to the wrong train. We know this because she sent a text. Then she got on the right train and her phone died. We (her mom, my mom [sisters] and I were waiting to pick her up at the last stop) didn't mind, we were just hanging out. Miss Priss finally showed up and refused to walk the 15 feet to the car... just stood there motioning like a maniac. Her mom pulled up a few feet and then I waved out the window that she needed to go around the car. Then she threw a fit. Huffed, puffed and complained that her feet hurt and she was too tired to talk. As she got in the car, I looked at her feet and noticed she was wearing flat designer flip flops. So I casually mentioned that maybe next time she should wear sneakers. DUHHHHH. She said nothing as she flopped onto the seat, slumped down and went to sleep.

They dropped me off first, I said goodbye to everyone but Miss Priss didn't say a word. Did I mention Miss Priss is TWENTY TWO years old!? Is she too old for a spanking? Not that this is really anything new. I mean she's been this way practically since birth. Bottom line: spoiled, prissy, know-it-all young people piss me off. I'm going to try and sleep now. Adios, people.